Although I feel that I am fairly in-tune with my mind, body, and soul I sometimes end up lost in the deepest of my thoughts and fears. These are the times I become agitated and reclusive. Moody and closed off. I search for answers or tools to recover the joyful and care-free me. This of course only works when I actually realize that I am lost again. I don't know how it happens or why. Sometimes I find being anything but serious is exhausting, even though being serious is exhausting as well. This is the struggle of someone who carries the weight of the world on their shoulders. I can't help but be passionate about the issues or things I care about even though I know eventually the passion will take it's toll and I will be lost.
I am not sure how I find my way out again, time after time. Perhaps I just grow tired of being reclusive. Being an introvert gives one a lot of time to think about this and that. Maybe I become tired of thinking all the time. Whatever it is, and no matter how lost I feel, I never feel unhappy, even if I say I am. I think the emotion I am feeling then is scared, but being me I don't like to admit I'm ever scared or that I am unsure if I can't be strong....if that makes any sense at all. I think this is why I don't process tramatic events. I just ignore them. That is a coping mechanism that I remember first doing when I was at my great-grandparents' house, my great-grandpa had just passed away in their bedroom from a bad battle with cancer. I was holding my great-grandmother as she cried. I did not cry then because I was afraid of not being strong for her. I think I was 10 or 11 years old at the time.These changes just seem like phases, or another chapter.
Working through my fears and learning to articulate my feelings instead of closing up is something I have to keep working on. I have a fear of not being strong for others, or maybe for myself.
But...
One thing I am most surprised about is the decrease in my coffee consumption. Strange, I know. I haven't had a taste for it lately and when I try to drink it, the coffee just makes me feel blah. Teas have been my new obsession. Namely loose leaf teas. I enjoy the ritual of scooping my gorgeous tea into a tea ball and letting it marinate in hot water. As I am typing this I'm enjoying a cup of chamomile lemongrass tea from Mad Hat Tea Co. I think it's the best chamomile I've ever had!
The lack of aggressive caffeine intake has increased my mood positively and (as hippy-ish as it may sound) makes me feel more connected to myself and the earth. Our planet provides us with so much goodness and it makes me happy. I did learn the hard way that even though my jasmine green tea only has about 20mg of caffeine per cup, drinking two cups in the evening WILL keep me up until 3am. I'll have to be mindful of what teas I drink in the evening :D
Today was a very long day off. I had a hard time getting motivated but once I got going I was gone. I cleaned a lot more than I originally planned to, which is great. But it took more probably three times longer than it would have taken someone with a whole bunch of spoons (Google Christine Miserandino's Spoon Theory). I do happen to find this extremely frustrating at times but I have to find The Silver Lining. I must redefine accomplishments for myself and be proud of mine no matter how small. It took me all day, but I cleaned my apartment. I scrubbed cabinets, wiped down the fridge and oven, clean the bathroom, killed mold, did laundry and actually PUT IT AWAY (this is not something I'm known for doing), and made the bed. This is a lot for someone who started out the day with maybe 1 spoon. I'm proud of what I accomplished today.
This post seems bi-polar. It is about two separate things, but they are somehow related. It has been many weeks since I posted anything, so I suppose I had to open the flood gates.
I'm always healing and growing.
