Fear and Loathing It

It's been, ohhh, about 4 months since I've written anything here...This is what I have to say today:

Fear has stopped me from doing a lot of things in my life.

Fear has stopped me from deciding on a career path.

Fear has stopped me from taking the first step of a career path.

Mostly what I fear is failing. I am competitive and afraid of failure. I am not the competitive type that naturally does whatever it takes to succeed. I am the type that fears failure, therefore avoids it. But by fearing failure I have failed myself.

This has basically gotten me nowhere. Yes, I have a good job with great hours that pays a livable wage...and I'm very grateful for it after not having been employed for a looong time due to the economy, like a lot of Americans. But that's a post for a different day. What I mean is that while I am grateful for everything I do have, it is not where I want to be in life. Tyrus and I work very hard, as do most people, for what we have, but we want more. We want successful and fulfilling careers, new(er) car(s) and a modern dwelling. We want to be able to afford vacations out of the Pacific Northwest! We love it, but Europe has been calling our names for years! We want the future!

What all of this boils down to in my mind is this: I am tired of fearing that I will fail. I know that I am intelligent. I know I am capable of many great things. I just have to do what it is I want to do and not look back.

Remember that great TV show, ER, on NBC Thursdays @ 10? I used to watch that show every week for years with my mom. That show along with great stories from my mom and others made me want to be a nurse. As long as I can remember I have wanted to be a nurse.

I know, I know...I change my career path every two weeks. Again, fear plays a part. My greatest fear of being a nurse is NOT needles and blood. Blood has never bothered me and I recently got over my fear of needles when I received a TDap vaccine and had blood drawn. No, my greatest fear of being a nurse is making one simple mistake with a patient which results in injury or DEATH. That really scares me. Having someones life in my hands scares me. If something happens to a patient because of human error, MY error, how can I possibly live with that?! This fear had completely stopped me altogether from pursuing a nursing career. And here I am today.

I realize I have gone back and forth a thousand times about what career I want to have. I'm sure this has been annoying. It has certainly been annoying to me. I have many, many interests and I know I could be successful at any of them.

After having a blindingly obvious epiphany today, I have decide, once and for freaking all, I would really love to be a nurse. Deep down under all that fear and illogical thinking (it is true that someone who is highly logical can be very illogical) I have never stopped wanting to be a nurse. Every career path I have thought about, I have asked myself, "Does this give me the ability to help someone?" and "Will I find it fulfilling?" Some yes, some no. I think the answers to this one are obvious.

My epiphany sort of went something like this:

"You aren't going to get anywhere in life if you don't step outside your comfort zone and challenge yourself."

True.

"You want to be a mother and would do your best to take care of your child. If you know you are able to successful raise a child, you are able to take care of others."

Well, that's a good point.

"You have to stop being afraid of failure. Think of all the people you know who haven't tried because they're afraid or they have no goals. You don't want to be them."

Obviously.

And finally, "Just freaking do it!"

So I did.

I took the first step in the right direction by applying to TCC today. When I am admitted I will then take Step 2. I think that to avoid getting overwhelmed or risking fear I will just continue to take it one step at a time.

I would really love to thank one of my dearest and oldest friends, who is really more of a sister, Adrienne Goldey. It was her decision to become a nurse that, for the last few months, has had me again thinking of going into nursing. So Adrienne...THANK YOU!!!

Regardless if any of you believe I will follow through, I feel very happy and humbled by my epiphany and I plan to see this goal through.

For the love of...

Cooking. I love to cook. I like trying new recipes I find online and in books. There is something very gratifying about preparing a delicious meal (or dessert!) and enjoy the very tasty results with pride. Cooking makes me very happy and gives me something to do and look forward to. I haven't done any REAL cooking in quite some time for a variety of reasons, but I'm back baby!

As a finicky eater, a foodie if you will, with a few allergies and a distaste (ha!) for meat of all kinds I find it more inconvenient to eat out at restaurants and I refuse to eat fast food...unless it's Taco Del Mar...because they have fresh ingredients made in-house and almost everything can be made vegan. And their food is frickin' delicious.

Over the years I've learned to cook with fresh ingredients and substitute one thing I don't like or can't eat with something better or with less of a chance of making me sick. Food prices have risen but paychecks basically have remained the same, calling for us fresh-food snobs to rethink ingredients.

These days you can find high-quality frozen foods at stores like Trader Joe's and Metropolitan Market. Recently Tyrus made a dinner consisting of Trader Joe's frozen fried rice with veggies and pan-fried tofu. It's was VERY delicious, only cost about $4 and fed three very hungry people. Do I prefer fresh veggies and fried rice? Of course! But sometimes we have to make budget cuts. If you find great high-quality frozen foods that work for you, it's a great alternative!

Tonight I'll be preparing this recipe for dinner. I may even add vermicelli noodles for a more pho-like experience.

Bon appétit!