Fear and Loathing It

It's been, ohhh, about 4 months since I've written anything here...This is what I have to say today:

Fear has stopped me from doing a lot of things in my life.

Fear has stopped me from deciding on a career path.

Fear has stopped me from taking the first step of a career path.

Mostly what I fear is failing. I am competitive and afraid of failure. I am not the competitive type that naturally does whatever it takes to succeed. I am the type that fears failure, therefore avoids it. But by fearing failure I have failed myself.

This has basically gotten me nowhere. Yes, I have a good job with great hours that pays a livable wage...and I'm very grateful for it after not having been employed for a looong time due to the economy, like a lot of Americans. But that's a post for a different day. What I mean is that while I am grateful for everything I do have, it is not where I want to be in life. Tyrus and I work very hard, as do most people, for what we have, but we want more. We want successful and fulfilling careers, new(er) car(s) and a modern dwelling. We want to be able to afford vacations out of the Pacific Northwest! We love it, but Europe has been calling our names for years! We want the future!

What all of this boils down to in my mind is this: I am tired of fearing that I will fail. I know that I am intelligent. I know I am capable of many great things. I just have to do what it is I want to do and not look back.

Remember that great TV show, ER, on NBC Thursdays @ 10? I used to watch that show every week for years with my mom. That show along with great stories from my mom and others made me want to be a nurse. As long as I can remember I have wanted to be a nurse.

I know, I know...I change my career path every two weeks. Again, fear plays a part. My greatest fear of being a nurse is NOT needles and blood. Blood has never bothered me and I recently got over my fear of needles when I received a TDap vaccine and had blood drawn. No, my greatest fear of being a nurse is making one simple mistake with a patient which results in injury or DEATH. That really scares me. Having someones life in my hands scares me. If something happens to a patient because of human error, MY error, how can I possibly live with that?! This fear had completely stopped me altogether from pursuing a nursing career. And here I am today.

I realize I have gone back and forth a thousand times about what career I want to have. I'm sure this has been annoying. It has certainly been annoying to me. I have many, many interests and I know I could be successful at any of them.

After having a blindingly obvious epiphany today, I have decide, once and for freaking all, I would really love to be a nurse. Deep down under all that fear and illogical thinking (it is true that someone who is highly logical can be very illogical) I have never stopped wanting to be a nurse. Every career path I have thought about, I have asked myself, "Does this give me the ability to help someone?" and "Will I find it fulfilling?" Some yes, some no. I think the answers to this one are obvious.

My epiphany sort of went something like this:

"You aren't going to get anywhere in life if you don't step outside your comfort zone and challenge yourself."

True.

"You want to be a mother and would do your best to take care of your child. If you know you are able to successful raise a child, you are able to take care of others."

Well, that's a good point.

"You have to stop being afraid of failure. Think of all the people you know who haven't tried because they're afraid or they have no goals. You don't want to be them."

Obviously.

And finally, "Just freaking do it!"

So I did.

I took the first step in the right direction by applying to TCC today. When I am admitted I will then take Step 2. I think that to avoid getting overwhelmed or risking fear I will just continue to take it one step at a time.

I would really love to thank one of my dearest and oldest friends, who is really more of a sister, Adrienne Goldey. It was her decision to become a nurse that, for the last few months, has had me again thinking of going into nursing. So Adrienne...THANK YOU!!!

Regardless if any of you believe I will follow through, I feel very happy and humbled by my epiphany and I plan to see this goal through.

For the love of...

Cooking. I love to cook. I like trying new recipes I find online and in books. There is something very gratifying about preparing a delicious meal (or dessert!) and enjoy the very tasty results with pride. Cooking makes me very happy and gives me something to do and look forward to. I haven't done any REAL cooking in quite some time for a variety of reasons, but I'm back baby!

As a finicky eater, a foodie if you will, with a few allergies and a distaste (ha!) for meat of all kinds I find it more inconvenient to eat out at restaurants and I refuse to eat fast food...unless it's Taco Del Mar...because they have fresh ingredients made in-house and almost everything can be made vegan. And their food is frickin' delicious.

Over the years I've learned to cook with fresh ingredients and substitute one thing I don't like or can't eat with something better or with less of a chance of making me sick. Food prices have risen but paychecks basically have remained the same, calling for us fresh-food snobs to rethink ingredients.

These days you can find high-quality frozen foods at stores like Trader Joe's and Metropolitan Market. Recently Tyrus made a dinner consisting of Trader Joe's frozen fried rice with veggies and pan-fried tofu. It's was VERY delicious, only cost about $4 and fed three very hungry people. Do I prefer fresh veggies and fried rice? Of course! But sometimes we have to make budget cuts. If you find great high-quality frozen foods that work for you, it's a great alternative!

Tonight I'll be preparing this recipe for dinner. I may even add vermicelli noodles for a more pho-like experience.

Bon appétit!

The Season of Giving

Good morning everyone and Merry Christmas! The time is nine o'clock Christmas morning and everyone I hope is in good cheer. It is the season of giving (and receiving) so we should be grateful for what we have and what we can give.

Christmas has become a month-long celebration with good intentions and whether or not you celebrate "the reason for the season", Christmas is also about giving to others. However commercialized the holiday has become, we all can still find it within ourselves to find meaning and make memories.

Whether you buy your gifts, make them, or your gifts come in the form of acts of kindness, it shouldn't matter. We all celebrate in different ways. We're all different and our traditions are different from one another. I have a different goal every year it seems. One year I'll make gifts. The next I'll give gifts of things I have and no longer need like books I think suit people. And another year I'll do the mall thing.To me it depends on my budget and creativity. But I have to say that the gifts I have made in the past seem to have been the most appreciated because they do take a lot of time and more money than you would think.

However you celebrate the holiday season (yes, there IS more than one holiday this time of year), do it with love and kindness. If you cannot go to a shelter or food bank to volunteer this time of year, make it a goal to do so in the new year. Open the door for someone. Or just give a kind smile.

Whatever you do, do it with love and be safe!

Happy Holidays!

'Tis The Season

No matter your political beliefs, we are all aware that the economy is still hitting people hard. The last few holiday seasons Tyrus and I have forgone getting each other gifts so that we were able to provide gifts for our loved ones. Things are still tight for us, as it is for so many, but we are better off now than we have been in recent years and will in fact be able to get each other Christmas gifts for the first time in 3 years. That being said we do feel blessed to be in a better position than before and will continue to work hard and save money for the spring quarter of school. We may not be where we want to be in life right now, but we really are feeling blessed to have a place to live, steady jobs, and each other.

In the spirit of the season we would like to give something back.

Pumpkin pie. The staple of holiday dinners (in my opinion :) ). I wait all year to eat pumpkin pie. Definitely a highlight for me!

The pie I made for Thanksgiving was an absolute hit with everyone and it went fast! So...I thought we should spread the joy:

We would like to offer a homemade pumpkin pie to someone or a family you know who is down on their luck and could use a bit of holiday cheer. We would like to give pies to people who don't have much money for their holiday dinner, are alone this season, or just need some cheer.

The pumpkin pie filling is homemade with canned pumpkin (NOT pumpkin pie mix), with nutmeg, cinnamon, cloves, and ginger. The crust is a dairy-free pre-made frozen pie crust made with organic and natural ingredients that is honestly the BEST pie crust I've ever had. It is moist and flavorful, not dry and tasteless. These pies taste so much better than any store bought pie I've had. You definitely cannot tell my pumpkin pie is dairy free. ALL INGREDIENTS ARE ORGANIC :)

Due to our budget we are only able to give away 10 pies as this time. The pies will be made the week of December 17 and will be frozen upon delivery/pick-up. Baking instructions will be included.

Please let us know by December 13th via phone, email, or Facebook if there is someone you would like to give a pumpkin pie to.

Happy Holidays!

Let's get serious about this creativity sh*t...

Last night I was looking through old photos of myself and some friends, circa 2003 or so. There are so many good memories in those photos and a million more laughs. I was 17/18 in many of these photos; young and carefree. Invincible.

I've been told before that I hold on to the past, but I don't think this rings true. I think that I don't have as much fun as I used to. I am not nearly as creative as I once was. I can't even tell you the last time I wrote a poem or a short story. Adulthood does that to you. We tend to forget about the things that really matter sometimes.

Obviously I have no one to blame for this but myself. I remember that the loss of creativity started soon after I started dating a real jerk of a guy when I was 19. It was a very unhealthy relationship and I felt like I really lost myself after that. I met my husband not long after that relationship ended. Tyrus is one of the most artistic people I know. We have painted and written songs together. We make a great team. 

And yet, I have never been as an artistic of a person  as I was ten years ago. This has always been in the back of my mind. It really bothers me. Creative/artistic people are very special and unique. I feel like it is a major part of my identity as a human being, which is perhaps why it hurts so much to not feel whole. I am surrounded by such creative people who have done so much with their talent. What have I been doing? I have no idea and this has to change.

Painting, writing, singing, drawing, crocheting, modge-podging, dancing, loving, CREATING. These things are now the most important aspects of my life behind my marriage and the people I hold dearest. I refuse to let negativity, depression, life, fear, doubt, judgment and criticism get in the way of me living my life to the fullest MY WAY. 

I am an individual. I am a creative individual. I am a talented, creative, intelligent, compassionate individual. Take it or leave it.

Crossroads

As a person who does my best to improve myself as a good human being, I often reflect on my life, where it's going, and what I think I can do to further improve it. I will always have a long way to go because perfection is not possible. I think of self-improvement as an ongoing project. It can entail a lot of work at times and there is no end in sight, but to me the process is a lot of fun. 

There are periods in my life where I feel stuck. Bored. Antsy, if you will. When I sense this feeling of unease approaching I think about why it is I'm feeling this way. What's causing this caged consciousness? What can I do to improve it? What positive aspects can I bring to this roller coaster of life? 

At this point I feel like there are numerous roads my life can take. This road could take me here. But THIS road could take me HERE. Then again, Road #3 could take me here. One of my biggest fears is picking a direction to go and it doesn't work out. It doesn't go the way it should have and it all blows up in my face. This is something that has stopped me from going anywhere at all. The result: Stuck. This is my own fault, I know. I am learning slowly but surely that I am the only person holding myself back.

So Readers, how do I know which path, road, direction, what-have-you to take? Is it all chance? Russian Roulette? Do I choose the easiest choice? The most direct? The most challenging? What about the riskiest? HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW?!  If any of you have the secret, please let me in on it...Please?

How can I conquer this fear of failure? I suppose the easy answer is to just throw caution to the wind and go for it. But what if this...what if that...? What if...

The Struggle for Contentment

The weeks between my last post and this one haven't been anything to report about. I have been struggling with many things that have decreased my creativity. Money, work, envy of those with children (or those expecting), fatigue and pain. These are the main depressants on any given day. 

Although I feel that I am fairly in-tune with my mind, body, and soul I sometimes end up lost in the deepest of my thoughts and fears. These are the times I become agitated and reclusive. Moody and closed off. I search for answers or tools to recover the joyful and care-free me. This of course only works when I actually realize that I am lost again. I don't know how it happens or why. Sometimes I find being anything but serious is exhausting, even though being serious is exhausting as well. This is the struggle of someone who carries the weight of the world on their shoulders. I can't help but be passionate about the issues or things I care about even though I know eventually the passion will take it's toll and I will be lost.

I am not sure how I find my way out again, time after time. Perhaps I just grow tired of being reclusive. Being an introvert gives one a lot of time to think about this and that. Maybe I become tired of thinking all the time. Whatever it is, and no matter how lost I feel, I never feel unhappy, even if I say I am. I think the emotion I am feeling then is scared, but being me I don't like to admit I'm ever scared or that I am unsure if I can't be strong....if that makes any sense at all. I think this is why I don't process tramatic events. I just ignore them. That is a coping mechanism that I remember first doing when I was at my great-grandparents' house, my great-grandpa had just passed away in their bedroom from a bad battle with cancer. I was holding my great-grandmother as she cried. I did not cry then because I was afraid of not being strong for her. I think I was 10 or 11 years old at the time.These changes just seem like phases, or another chapter. 

Working through my fears and learning to articulate my feelings instead of closing up is something I have to keep working on. I have a fear of not being strong for others, or maybe for myself.

But...

One thing I am most surprised about is the decrease in my coffee consumption. Strange, I know. I haven't had a taste for it lately and when I try to drink it, the coffee just makes me feel blah. Teas have been my new obsession. Namely loose leaf teas. I enjoy the ritual of scooping my gorgeous tea into a tea ball and letting it marinate in hot water. As I am typing this I'm enjoying a cup of chamomile lemongrass tea from Mad Hat Tea Co. I think it's the best chamomile I've ever had!

The lack of aggressive caffeine intake has increased my mood positively and (as hippy-ish as it may sound) makes me feel more connected to myself and the earth. Our planet provides us with so much goodness and it makes me happy. I did learn the hard way that even though my jasmine green tea only has about 20mg of caffeine per cup, drinking two cups in the evening WILL keep me up until 3am. I'll have to be mindful of what teas I drink in the evening :D

Today was a very long day off. I had a hard time getting motivated but once I got going I was gone. I cleaned a lot more than I originally planned to, which is great. But it took more probably three times longer than it would have taken someone with a whole bunch of spoons (Google Christine Miserandino's Spoon Theory). I do happen to find this extremely frustrating at times but I have to find The Silver Lining. I must redefine accomplishments for myself and be proud of mine no matter how small. It took me all day, but I cleaned my apartment. I scrubbed cabinets, wiped down the fridge and oven, clean the bathroom, killed mold, did laundry and actually PUT IT AWAY (this is not something I'm known for doing), and made the bed. This is a lot for someone who started out the day with maybe 1 spoon. I'm proud of what I accomplished today. 

This post seems bi-polar. It is about two separate things, but they are somehow related. It has been many weeks since I posted anything, so I suppose I had to open the flood gates.

 I'm always healing and growing.