The Season of Giving

Good morning everyone and Merry Christmas! The time is nine o'clock Christmas morning and everyone I hope is in good cheer. It is the season of giving (and receiving) so we should be grateful for what we have and what we can give.

Christmas has become a month-long celebration with good intentions and whether or not you celebrate "the reason for the season", Christmas is also about giving to others. However commercialized the holiday has become, we all can still find it within ourselves to find meaning and make memories.

Whether you buy your gifts, make them, or your gifts come in the form of acts of kindness, it shouldn't matter. We all celebrate in different ways. We're all different and our traditions are different from one another. I have a different goal every year it seems. One year I'll make gifts. The next I'll give gifts of things I have and no longer need like books I think suit people. And another year I'll do the mall thing.To me it depends on my budget and creativity. But I have to say that the gifts I have made in the past seem to have been the most appreciated because they do take a lot of time and more money than you would think.

However you celebrate the holiday season (yes, there IS more than one holiday this time of year), do it with love and kindness. If you cannot go to a shelter or food bank to volunteer this time of year, make it a goal to do so in the new year. Open the door for someone. Or just give a kind smile.

Whatever you do, do it with love and be safe!

Happy Holidays!

'Tis The Season

No matter your political beliefs, we are all aware that the economy is still hitting people hard. The last few holiday seasons Tyrus and I have forgone getting each other gifts so that we were able to provide gifts for our loved ones. Things are still tight for us, as it is for so many, but we are better off now than we have been in recent years and will in fact be able to get each other Christmas gifts for the first time in 3 years. That being said we do feel blessed to be in a better position than before and will continue to work hard and save money for the spring quarter of school. We may not be where we want to be in life right now, but we really are feeling blessed to have a place to live, steady jobs, and each other.

In the spirit of the season we would like to give something back.

Pumpkin pie. The staple of holiday dinners (in my opinion :) ). I wait all year to eat pumpkin pie. Definitely a highlight for me!

The pie I made for Thanksgiving was an absolute hit with everyone and it went fast! So...I thought we should spread the joy:

We would like to offer a homemade pumpkin pie to someone or a family you know who is down on their luck and could use a bit of holiday cheer. We would like to give pies to people who don't have much money for their holiday dinner, are alone this season, or just need some cheer.

The pumpkin pie filling is homemade with canned pumpkin (NOT pumpkin pie mix), with nutmeg, cinnamon, cloves, and ginger. The crust is a dairy-free pre-made frozen pie crust made with organic and natural ingredients that is honestly the BEST pie crust I've ever had. It is moist and flavorful, not dry and tasteless. These pies taste so much better than any store bought pie I've had. You definitely cannot tell my pumpkin pie is dairy free. ALL INGREDIENTS ARE ORGANIC :)

Due to our budget we are only able to give away 10 pies as this time. The pies will be made the week of December 17 and will be frozen upon delivery/pick-up. Baking instructions will be included.

Please let us know by December 13th via phone, email, or Facebook if there is someone you would like to give a pumpkin pie to.

Happy Holidays!

Let's get serious about this creativity sh*t...

Last night I was looking through old photos of myself and some friends, circa 2003 or so. There are so many good memories in those photos and a million more laughs. I was 17/18 in many of these photos; young and carefree. Invincible.

I've been told before that I hold on to the past, but I don't think this rings true. I think that I don't have as much fun as I used to. I am not nearly as creative as I once was. I can't even tell you the last time I wrote a poem or a short story. Adulthood does that to you. We tend to forget about the things that really matter sometimes.

Obviously I have no one to blame for this but myself. I remember that the loss of creativity started soon after I started dating a real jerk of a guy when I was 19. It was a very unhealthy relationship and I felt like I really lost myself after that. I met my husband not long after that relationship ended. Tyrus is one of the most artistic people I know. We have painted and written songs together. We make a great team. 

And yet, I have never been as an artistic of a person  as I was ten years ago. This has always been in the back of my mind. It really bothers me. Creative/artistic people are very special and unique. I feel like it is a major part of my identity as a human being, which is perhaps why it hurts so much to not feel whole. I am surrounded by such creative people who have done so much with their talent. What have I been doing? I have no idea and this has to change.

Painting, writing, singing, drawing, crocheting, modge-podging, dancing, loving, CREATING. These things are now the most important aspects of my life behind my marriage and the people I hold dearest. I refuse to let negativity, depression, life, fear, doubt, judgment and criticism get in the way of me living my life to the fullest MY WAY. 

I am an individual. I am a creative individual. I am a talented, creative, intelligent, compassionate individual. Take it or leave it.

Crossroads

As a person who does my best to improve myself as a good human being, I often reflect on my life, where it's going, and what I think I can do to further improve it. I will always have a long way to go because perfection is not possible. I think of self-improvement as an ongoing project. It can entail a lot of work at times and there is no end in sight, but to me the process is a lot of fun. 

There are periods in my life where I feel stuck. Bored. Antsy, if you will. When I sense this feeling of unease approaching I think about why it is I'm feeling this way. What's causing this caged consciousness? What can I do to improve it? What positive aspects can I bring to this roller coaster of life? 

At this point I feel like there are numerous roads my life can take. This road could take me here. But THIS road could take me HERE. Then again, Road #3 could take me here. One of my biggest fears is picking a direction to go and it doesn't work out. It doesn't go the way it should have and it all blows up in my face. This is something that has stopped me from going anywhere at all. The result: Stuck. This is my own fault, I know. I am learning slowly but surely that I am the only person holding myself back.

So Readers, how do I know which path, road, direction, what-have-you to take? Is it all chance? Russian Roulette? Do I choose the easiest choice? The most direct? The most challenging? What about the riskiest? HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW?!  If any of you have the secret, please let me in on it...Please?

How can I conquer this fear of failure? I suppose the easy answer is to just throw caution to the wind and go for it. But what if this...what if that...? What if...

The Struggle for Contentment

The weeks between my last post and this one haven't been anything to report about. I have been struggling with many things that have decreased my creativity. Money, work, envy of those with children (or those expecting), fatigue and pain. These are the main depressants on any given day. 

Although I feel that I am fairly in-tune with my mind, body, and soul I sometimes end up lost in the deepest of my thoughts and fears. These are the times I become agitated and reclusive. Moody and closed off. I search for answers or tools to recover the joyful and care-free me. This of course only works when I actually realize that I am lost again. I don't know how it happens or why. Sometimes I find being anything but serious is exhausting, even though being serious is exhausting as well. This is the struggle of someone who carries the weight of the world on their shoulders. I can't help but be passionate about the issues or things I care about even though I know eventually the passion will take it's toll and I will be lost.

I am not sure how I find my way out again, time after time. Perhaps I just grow tired of being reclusive. Being an introvert gives one a lot of time to think about this and that. Maybe I become tired of thinking all the time. Whatever it is, and no matter how lost I feel, I never feel unhappy, even if I say I am. I think the emotion I am feeling then is scared, but being me I don't like to admit I'm ever scared or that I am unsure if I can't be strong....if that makes any sense at all. I think this is why I don't process tramatic events. I just ignore them. That is a coping mechanism that I remember first doing when I was at my great-grandparents' house, my great-grandpa had just passed away in their bedroom from a bad battle with cancer. I was holding my great-grandmother as she cried. I did not cry then because I was afraid of not being strong for her. I think I was 10 or 11 years old at the time.These changes just seem like phases, or another chapter. 

Working through my fears and learning to articulate my feelings instead of closing up is something I have to keep working on. I have a fear of not being strong for others, or maybe for myself.

But...

One thing I am most surprised about is the decrease in my coffee consumption. Strange, I know. I haven't had a taste for it lately and when I try to drink it, the coffee just makes me feel blah. Teas have been my new obsession. Namely loose leaf teas. I enjoy the ritual of scooping my gorgeous tea into a tea ball and letting it marinate in hot water. As I am typing this I'm enjoying a cup of chamomile lemongrass tea from Mad Hat Tea Co. I think it's the best chamomile I've ever had!

The lack of aggressive caffeine intake has increased my mood positively and (as hippy-ish as it may sound) makes me feel more connected to myself and the earth. Our planet provides us with so much goodness and it makes me happy. I did learn the hard way that even though my jasmine green tea only has about 20mg of caffeine per cup, drinking two cups in the evening WILL keep me up until 3am. I'll have to be mindful of what teas I drink in the evening :D

Today was a very long day off. I had a hard time getting motivated but once I got going I was gone. I cleaned a lot more than I originally planned to, which is great. But it took more probably three times longer than it would have taken someone with a whole bunch of spoons (Google Christine Miserandino's Spoon Theory). I do happen to find this extremely frustrating at times but I have to find The Silver Lining. I must redefine accomplishments for myself and be proud of mine no matter how small. It took me all day, but I cleaned my apartment. I scrubbed cabinets, wiped down the fridge and oven, clean the bathroom, killed mold, did laundry and actually PUT IT AWAY (this is not something I'm known for doing), and made the bed. This is a lot for someone who started out the day with maybe 1 spoon. I'm proud of what I accomplished today. 

This post seems bi-polar. It is about two separate things, but they are somehow related. It has been many weeks since I posted anything, so I suppose I had to open the flood gates.

 I'm always healing and growing.

Quiet on the Outside

I've been feeling very introverted lately, so I apologize for the lack of blog posts as of late. Those of you who know me well know that I take life more seriously than I should, especially for a person my age. I've always been this way and it's probably a trait that will stick with me.

During these times deep thought I tend to think about the world. I reflect on current events and where the future may lead us. I worry that the economy will never improve, and that the country will never be as care-free as I remember it being before September 11, 2001. We have been in a 10-year grieving process.

Our soldiers have been a major topic in my mind lately. The recent movie I just watched, "Brothers", has only strengthened my respect for our soldiers. I can't help but think about how true to life that movie is. The events that occurred in the movie DO happen. We don't hear about them, which I'm not even sure if we should, but they are real.

My dad was a Vietnam veteran. He didn't talk about his experience much, which is understandable. I didn't ask a lot of questions, but sometimes I wish I had...but was it any of my business? He was basically just a kid when he went to war. I will never know what he saw or what he did, but I do know that chapter of his life affected him negatively for the rest of his life. In fact, his time in Vietnam is partially responsible for his death just two and a half years ago.

These have been very scary times in America, and the world for that matter. For the last ten years I haven't watched a plane fly overhead without getting nervous, especially when they are flying low as they so often do (living so close to a military base has it's disadvantages). Public transportation makes me uneasy. Large gatherings make me feel panicky. Unattended bags make me fearful.

Even with all this fear that we live with everyday, I still feel safe. There are heroes protecting us, doing their best to keep us safe.

I feel so terribly sad knowing of all those who have lost their lives to protect us. I feel so sad for the innocent people in the countries we have been at war with that have lost their lives as well.

I know that this country will never be the same again. We are damaged and struggling for air. We cannot afford to live. But we will survive.

These are the types of things I think about when I'm so quiet. Not all the time, but a good portion. I'm a lot like my dad in that I'm an observer. A listener. I take what I see and hear and I process it. I formulate ideas and opinions, and you may never hear them.

I have learned to love this about myself.

Introverts are an interesting people. I'm happy to be one of them.

Sentimental

For just over 19 years I have had the greatest little sister. She is everything I have ever wanted to be and has (directly/indirectly) taught me a lot about myself and life. She is someone who listens when I cry; who laughs when I demand attention.

Being eight years older, I was already out of the house by the time she was 10 years old. I pretty much missed her teenage years, which (depending how you look at it) can be a good or bad thing :D As I've grown older I've tried to set a good example for her, as I'm sure I failed miserably at that when I was 18-21. I've given her sound advice about serious issues and hopefully I've taught her a thing or two.

We certainly have been through a lot together. Lots of laughter and tears. Happiness and pain. Love and loss. I never felt that we were particularly close, as some sisters are, but I think a lot of it has to do with the age difference. Like I said, I was already gone before she was even in 6th grade. Though as we've both grown older, we've become as close as I wish we had always been. And so...

When life hands you lemons you make lemonade:

My little sister is moving to Aberdeen.

Okay, so it's not a million miles away. Only about an hour. But still, we've never lived more than 20 minutes away from each other. And that's fact.

I feel like I won't get to see her very often. I'm afraid we will grow apart. I'm afraid I won't be able to help her if/when she needs me. Am I worrying too much? Of course I am. That's what I do. I'm the worrier. She manages to find her pants (she knows what I mean <3) without me.

I have always told myself to keep in touch with people and never take anyone for granted. This is something that I have recently started to get serious about. It is always an on-going process for me because I often become lost in my own little world and serious thought. I am one of the most serious people I know and often that gets the best of me. Sometimes I have forgotten my own rule and it's bitten me in the behind. I cannot let this happen again.

Keep in touch with the outside world and everyone in it.

I'm really going to miss her. I know we'll be talking all the time through various technological outlets, but she will still be an hour away.

"Someone needs a huuug!"

Here's to you, Loolee: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vzo0iHrivVQ



I love you!

The World on Her Shoulders

I am happier these days. I have become less cynical, more open with strangers, and generally more happy. I try my best not to let others get under my skin. I am more apt to give people the benefit of the doubt. I find myself assuming less that a person wants something for nothing. I do not know if anyone can see these changes in me on the outside, but I definitely feel them inside.

I am not always so carefree. I am a serious person; always have been. I tend to carry the world on my shoulders, my heart on my sleeve. I am emotional (not always such the negative cliché it is made out to be) and passionate. Sometimes I'm selfish. Sometimes...batty (a little nod to my dad there <3 ). But for the most part, I am learning to be happy and lighthearted.

Sometimes I have to fake it. I'm in customer service and though the majority of our customers are friendly and personable, we still get the crazies and the complainers. I have learned it is crucial at this point to fake the smile and pretend anything they throw at you is no skin off your...nose. BUT, and this is a big but :), forcing myself to be kind to those who are not kind to me (or even  making it a point to be in jovial spirit because who wants to be grumpy all the time) has made me a happier person.

I am not so easily bothered by a person's negative words or actions. I try to give them the benefit of the doubt. Maybe they are/were having a bad day. Maybe they are dealing with a very sick relative. Maybe they hate their job. Generally, people are not rude for no reason. There are those that are just unhappy for whatever reason(s) and want everyone else to be miserable, too. It is important to learn, though, that most people are not set out to ruin your day or your life.

It's nice to be friendly, even to strangers. Smiling at someone as you walk by might brighten their day. Giving them a compliment could be just the uplift they needed. You may never know what a person is going through and why they appear so glum. If someone seems out of sorts, just flash a smile. Who would be off-put by a smile?

Weight and See

I'm going to estimate that about 90% of Americans' New Year's resolutions have something to do with exercising or losing weight. Why not? - It's a new year and a new you, right? Every year I tell myself I need to shape up and get going again. I prefer long, vigorous walks outdoors as opposed to walking around a boring track indoors. I usually do pretty well until about June when the weather starts to get warmer. Neither Emma or I do very well in the heat.  When I'm already hot why would I want to do something that will increase my core temperature? So the rest of the summer consists of night walks, which I enjoy (again if it's not too hot). But as the summer lingers my zest for outdoor fitness fades.

At that point I'm ready for autumn and the change of colors. Autumn walks are the best, in my opinion. The air is fresh and crisp from the night's rainfall. The leaves are bright and starting to fall. I like to hear the crunch of leaves under my walking shoes. The environment is starting to go into hibernation for the next six months. I will be the first to admit, though, that autumn in the Pacific Northwest doesn't always allow for many sunny days. But as long as the rain is not in a torrential downpour, Emma and I will be out and about enjoying a walk around our neighborhood. The variety of beautiful, old houses is a sight to see. I find myself imagining what it would be like to live in them. I suppose this is my way of taking my mind off of the pain I'm feeling walking up one of the North End's massive hills!

This year I am more determined than ever to reach my fitness goals. It's not about weight for me. Honestly. I just want to love the way I look and feel awesome inside and out. It's been too long since I've felt like that! Exercise can also help with depression and I've found that exercising helps decrease my fibromyalgia symptoms - well once I get used to exercising again, that is. A few years ago we had a membership at the YMCA. I'd like to do that again this year. I've always enjoyed weight training. The burning of muscles. Now that's success! It's easy to overdo it though, so I'll have to remember to be careful. Light weights, multiple reps. And during the hot summer months I find I can still be active by utilizing their very nice A/C and boring-but-better-than-sweating-to-death indoor track.

Yes, this year WILL be the year I get back into shape! There is no excuse. I'm almost 30 and my metabolism is not getting any faster! And now that I have shared my fitness goals with all of you in cyberspace I cannot fail!

New Year's Solutions

I've always had the understanding that most people have themselves figured out. They know who they are, they know what they want from life and they know how to get it. Sometimes I feel like I missed the convention on "How to Get Through Life Happily and in One Piece". The longer I work in customer service, though, the more I start to think I'm not the only one.

Even in a short 27 years, life has taught me valuable lessons about myself and others. Your family, knowingly or not, helps shape who you will become...for better or worse. Friends teach you to love yourself. Strangers have the ability to show you how to act in public, and in some cases how NOT to act. Environmental factors such as home life, school, extracurricular activities, etc. also have a hand in helping you become you. It stupefies me to think of how many things, how many people factor in on the equation that equals me.

We all have things we don't like about ourselves. I'm not just talking appearances here. What I'm referring to is personality and self-esteem. For instance, I know that I can be...let's just say "bossy". I don't think I'm Queen of the World or anything. I just know that...sometimes...I can be a bit...bossy. My guess as to why I have this character trait is my fear of not being in control. I would also say that I'm at times moody. There are many factors that play into this trait: #1: I don't deal with stress well...sometimes at all, #2: Fear of failing, #3: Hunger, #4: I'm tired, and #5: I'm a Scorpio who happens to be of Irish ancestry. Okay, so the first two are obviously serious, but if you know me at all you know that all five play a part. I'm also stubborn, but that bothers you more than it bothers me ;)

The two aforementioned traits are things about myself I am willing to change because it will make me a happier person. I must learn to let others have control sometimes and I must learn to talk about my feelings instead of burying them. This is one of my New Year's "Solutions" (Solutions to a happy life). It will probably take longer than I anticipate. No one is perfect.

I feel though that this is my life. No matter the past, I owe it to myself to break cycles and find happiness in whatever it is that I do. You can only live life for yourself.

"Set peace of mind as your highest goal, and organize your life around it." - Brian Tracy