Nutritional Enlightenment

A woman can learn a lot about herself during the 9-10 months of pregnancy. You learn just how capable your body is and seeing what it can do and how it changes during pregnancy is really amazing. Some women have easier pregnancies than others; some love it, some don't enjoy it at all. But the end results, from what I'm told, is that it's all worth it.

For this pregnant lady, 33 weeks along (that's about 8 1/2 months for you math majors ;) ), the greatest thing I've learned so far is to let go. I have not had control of my changing body since late December when those telltale pregnancy symptoms starting to show up, before I confirmed my suspicions with a home pregnancy test. For someone with an anxiety disorder, letting go of control is not an easy task, and it can be down-right scary. I'm still not used to it, but it is teaching me a lot.

Tuesday of last week I was diagnosed with Gestational Diabetes. My initial reaction was disappointment in myself and guilt that I might be harming my unborn baby. I knew that both of these thoughts were silly, because any woman with any sort of lifestyle can develop GD, and if you take the steps to monitor it, there is no harm to either you or your baby. Even so, it took me a few days to move past these feelings. My OB recommended that I test my glucose at least three times a day, including a fasting test first thing in the morning, for two weeks.

This Tuesday I met with the nutritionist I was referred to, and learned a bit more about how a body should process glucose, and what happens with GD and Type-2 Diabetes. I had to learn how to check my glucose levels with a glucometer. I was pretty scared at first, but it doesn't hurt THAT bad, and I'd much rather do this than that awful 3-hour glucose test I did the previous week (4 blood draws in 4 hours! Ouch!). I realized I was eating more carbs (even good carbs) than I thought and my portion sizes were a bit too much. I mean, who wants to eat just a half-cup of pasta, right?! Well, even though my eating habits were pretty good, and I eat pretty healthy most of the time, I learned I needed to make a few simple changes...and I'm already seeing results!

I started my glucose testing routine yesterday morning: Test first thing in the morning (fasting test), then an hour after breakfast, and again an hour after lunch or dinner. My numbers were a bit high in the morning (102) and after breakfast (155), but much better than the reading I got the previous morning at the nutritionist's office (175 an hour after breakfast). But dinner was right on an hour after dinner (140).

This morning I again tested first thing to get my fasting number, which was a great (they want it below 95, and I had a 98 reading), and an hour after breakfast I had a 143 reading (and they want meal readings 140 or below). Only three points too high for both which is great compared to the two previous days!

By being a little more mindful about my food combinations and portions in just 1 1/2 days thus far, I am already seeing these numbers decline. These little successes make me feel proud and I look forward to see these numbers decline more in the next two weeks. And hopefully, if they stay steady at normal levels, I won't have to continue to keep testing after the two weeks is up.

Even though developing GD was disappointing (even though it was out of my control), I am, in a strange way, grateful to have developed it because it is teaching me to really hold myself accountable for my eating habits with no excuses. Like I said, I eat pretty well, but I did learn I was consuming more carbs (good and bad) than I had realized and that my portion sizes were a bit high (which I knew).

On top of this GD journey, I signed up with a fitness coach through Beachbody.com and received my exercise program, nutritional guide and recipe book, and food portion containers yesterday! I'm not sure how gung-ho  I will be with the exercising this late in pregnancy. From what I've seen, the workouts are pretty intense and it's not recommended that pregnant women start intensive workouts if they haven't already been doing them. Of course, this doesn't mean avoiding any activity altogether! I really ordered the program for post-partum fitness, so I'm looking forward to that! And as I mentioned, I have been eating larger portions than I should have been (only for my whole life!), so the portion containers will definitely help me with that. If I feel as though I have to hold my self accountable for something, I am more likely to succeed.

In my opinion, this minor pregnancy inconvenience has actually been a blessing.

Miracle on West 2nd Street

Tyrus, myself, and Brandon at Archimedes Gallery, Cannon Beach, OR

Not long before Tyrus and I moved to Tillamook, visual artist and musician Brandon Boyd announced on Facebook that he would be stopping in Cannon Beach for an intimate Q&A session, along with a book signing and photo ops. That's only an hour north from Tillamook along the beautiful Oregon Coast. As many of my close friends and my sister can tell you, I've been an avid fan of Incubus and Brandon Boyd himself since I first saw their "Pardon Me" video way back when. I think I had to read his post a few times before my brain could actually comprehend that this was in fact going to happen and not just a dream.  As I write this, I still cannot believe that we were there, but I'm sure glad we were.

In the late afternoon of Friday, October 3rd we drove up the coast to Cannon Beach, not sure what to expect on a beautiful Friday evening in a popular coastal town. We walked around the main avenue to find Archimedes Gallery, where the event was to take place. As I looked one way and Tyrus looked another, I saw someone three feet away who looked very familiar although I knew we had not met before. We locked eyes and gave friendly smiles and both went on our ways with our partners hand in hand. Brandon Boyd sure has a great smile.

We decided to get a bite to eat before the event and found a quaint little pizza parlor across from the gallery, although we just snacked on salad. Arriving a bit early to the gallery, we got our seats in the front row of metal fold-out chairs, shocked that these seats were still available.

A piece of Brandon's artwork hung as the backdrop of where he sat for the Q&A.

In usual musician fashion, the guest of honor arrived from his trek around Cannon Beach a bit late, though no one seemed to mind as the room was filled with excitement. The host announced the arrival and entrance of Mr. Boyd and we all welcomed him with a round of applause and smiles. I kept reminding myself to breathe.

He sat there in front of us welcoming and thanking everyone for coming, and asked how we all were. Many responded with joy and out of nowhere I spoke up and asked casually how he was doing. I couldn't believe I was saying it as I was speaking. He turned his attention to me, smiled and said he was doing great; that this was his first visit to the Oregon Coast and described how beautiful it is. I responded to him all smiley describing how we had just moved here two weeks ago and are also amazed at the beauty of it all. To my surprise he continued the conversation by asking where we had moved from, and of course I responded. I continued to ask myself, "Is this really happening?" while remaining calm on the outside.

During the Q&A session we were invoked by Brandon to ask him anything. People asked him all sorts of great questions. They seemed prepared. I had to no idea what I was going to ask him until someone else's question resulted in a very loud epiphany as if God himself was yelling it from the heavens. So I raised my hand. He turned my way, flashed another great smile, and said, "Yes?" in his continued cool and friendly manner.

As I started to ask my question I prayed I wouldn't forget what I was asking as I was speaking, nor that I should fumble my words -- something I'm known to do when I get nervous. In one perfect sentenced I managed to ask:

"As an introspective and creative person, what advice can you give to people like me and my husband who are also introverted and creative, who have a hard time finding their place in the world?"

Dear Lord, I cannot believe such an amazing question came out of my mouth. This very well may be my only opportunity in life to ask him a question and I freaking nailed it!

Stock photo from the internets of Brandon working on one of my favorite pieces by him.

I listened intently and with a smile while he told me that he understands what I mean. It's difficult for people like us to be heard or noticed. Sometimes it feels hopeless, that we fear we may never find our place in the universe. But the single greatest thing he said to me was this:

"Just be you."

He went on to say to me to be myself because soon the tables might turn and people who are introverted will probably be the new trend. We both smiled and I replied, "That might be a good or bad thing." He laughed shyly and said, "That's very true. Good point." I thanked him for his time and finally allowed someone else to ask a question.

After the Q&A session, we all stood in line for the book signing and photo op. Tyrus and I didn't wait long, although it was long enough for Tyrus to generate a great question to ask Brandon about the universe. Tyrus prefers to keep this conversation private though because it is quite personal to him, so it's just between the three of us :) Needless to say, Brandon understood the question, having experienced the same thing himself. We chatted for several minutes, laughed, and had many pictures taken thanks to the great staff of the Archimedes Gallery. 

Suddenly he reached over and poked by shoulder and quietly with curiosity said, "Oh..." I was wearing a sheer white top that hung off my left shoulder with a tank top underneath. He spotted a bit of my tattoo on my left arm. I replied, "Oh yeah! Do you want to see it?" And with a tone of excitement he replied, "Well, of course!" So I proceeded to take my arm out of the sleeve and extended my arm towards him. Not knowing that one of the staff of the gallery was taking pictures at this moment, we later found out he caught the perfect moment and Brandon's killer reaction to the artwork on my arm:

After a few awesome minutes of studying my tattoo and some great compliments from THE MAN himself, we thanked him for his time and went on our way in disbelief and awe.

He is an amazing soul who is very humble and grateful for his achievements. I always suspected he would be a down-to-earth person, and he truly is. Although I was very excited to meet him, he was very easy to talk to -- like talking to an old friend. The three of us really connected on some cosmic level and I have often wondered since if perhaps we knew each other in another life. That is not to say others at the gallery did not have similar experiences, but that was ours and it was extraordinary.

"Not Ebola."

I asked him to draw a doodle after he signed, which he did. He then said his doodle looked like Ebola, so he wrote "Not Ebola" with an arrow pointing at the doodle. The three of us obviously thought that was hilarious.

Having the opportunity to meet a musician and visual artist that I have admired for almost half of my life is an experience I am truly grateful for. Meeting Brandon Boyd was absolutely phenomenal, though that word -phenomenal- does not even begin to describe how it truly felt. I thanked him for his superb answer to my question, although I may never really be sure that he knows just how much his words mean to me and that his kindness and introspection has truly changed my life forever. 

Dear Brandon, I truly hope we all meet again, if not in another gathering to admire your creative genius, than to just shoot the breeze about the universe and all its wonderment.

Me and my hero.

That moment when...

That moment when you who have the realization that it's time for a bold, life-changing move. Literally.

For the past few months I have been developing a list of activities to do before I turn 30 this November. I came up with some great things I'd like to accomplish, but the list was not the life-changing group of ideas I was looking for. All of the items on "the list" are activities that can be done any day, any time. It's not to say that these are not things I'd like to do after all...I do. I just had this nagging feeling that this was not exactly what my soul was longing for. 

Having just returned from the coast, I already longed to return as soon as possible. Thankfully, I have been blessed with a husband who knows how to listen and even has the uncanny ability to pick up key hints, even if the hints are not purposefully being sent out into the atmosphere. Soon after my complaint of our return to reality, The Hubs surprised me with a long weekend back in Seaside, Oregon at a beautiful resort hotel FREE OF COST thanks to a very lovely pharmacist (who happened to own a timeshare at the resort in Seaside) Hubster knows at the hospital where he works! I was of course elated at the thought of our return within a few months to my favorite place on Earth: the beach.

About a month after our return from the previous trip to the coast, as life would have it, events occurred that pushed (and I mean PUSHED!) us into making a major decision to better our lives. A few long conversations with each other later, and the choice was made. 

Yes folks, in approximately 1.5 months yours truly and The Great Hambino are 

                                                  MOVING TO THE OREGON COAST! 

You are about as surprised as I was. This move was within our 5-year plan, but never did we imagine it would happen so soon, but things are in place and a plan has been made. We hope you are as excited as we are!

In all honesty, we don't belong in Tacoma. We never have. We've tried to belong; we've tried to fit in. We just don't and that's okay. We belong at the beach. Any beach. But the Oregon coast has amazing beaches that we're very fond of and have talked for so long about moving there.

We will be landing in Tillamook and stay with family for some time while we find work and I get settled in school there. In no time at all we hope to reach our beach life goal by moving to Seaside, where I ultimately hope to work as an LPN in their hospital or many medical offices. 

One thing we are most excited for when we are settled is receiving all of you as guests! Who doesn't love a weekend at the beach with free lodging?!

We look forward to this new chapter in our life together in creating an environment that is as peaceful and relaxing as possible, with some hard work on the side (we all know we can't play if we don't work, right?)!

Fear and Loathing It

It's been, ohhh, about 4 months since I've written anything here...This is what I have to say today:

Fear has stopped me from doing a lot of things in my life.

Fear has stopped me from deciding on a career path.

Fear has stopped me from taking the first step of a career path.

Mostly what I fear is failing. I am competitive and afraid of failure. I am not the competitive type that naturally does whatever it takes to succeed. I am the type that fears failure, therefore avoids it. But by fearing failure I have failed myself.

This has basically gotten me nowhere. Yes, I have a good job with great hours that pays a livable wage...and I'm very grateful for it after not having been employed for a looong time due to the economy, like a lot of Americans. But that's a post for a different day. What I mean is that while I am grateful for everything I do have, it is not where I want to be in life. Tyrus and I work very hard, as do most people, for what we have, but we want more. We want successful and fulfilling careers, new(er) car(s) and a modern dwelling. We want to be able to afford vacations out of the Pacific Northwest! We love it, but Europe has been calling our names for years! We want the future!

What all of this boils down to in my mind is this: I am tired of fearing that I will fail. I know that I am intelligent. I know I am capable of many great things. I just have to do what it is I want to do and not look back.

Remember that great TV show, ER, on NBC Thursdays @ 10? I used to watch that show every week for years with my mom. That show along with great stories from my mom and others made me want to be a nurse. As long as I can remember I have wanted to be a nurse.

I know, I know...I change my career path every two weeks. Again, fear plays a part. My greatest fear of being a nurse is NOT needles and blood. Blood has never bothered me and I recently got over my fear of needles when I received a TDap vaccine and had blood drawn. No, my greatest fear of being a nurse is making one simple mistake with a patient which results in injury or DEATH. That really scares me. Having someones life in my hands scares me. If something happens to a patient because of human error, MY error, how can I possibly live with that?! This fear had completely stopped me altogether from pursuing a nursing career. And here I am today.

I realize I have gone back and forth a thousand times about what career I want to have. I'm sure this has been annoying. It has certainly been annoying to me. I have many, many interests and I know I could be successful at any of them.

After having a blindingly obvious epiphany today, I have decide, once and for freaking all, I would really love to be a nurse. Deep down under all that fear and illogical thinking (it is true that someone who is highly logical can be very illogical) I have never stopped wanting to be a nurse. Every career path I have thought about, I have asked myself, "Does this give me the ability to help someone?" and "Will I find it fulfilling?" Some yes, some no. I think the answers to this one are obvious.

My epiphany sort of went something like this:

"You aren't going to get anywhere in life if you don't step outside your comfort zone and challenge yourself."

True.

"You want to be a mother and would do your best to take care of your child. If you know you are able to successful raise a child, you are able to take care of others."

Well, that's a good point.

"You have to stop being afraid of failure. Think of all the people you know who haven't tried because they're afraid or they have no goals. You don't want to be them."

Obviously.

And finally, "Just freaking do it!"

So I did.

I took the first step in the right direction by applying to TCC today. When I am admitted I will then take Step 2. I think that to avoid getting overwhelmed or risking fear I will just continue to take it one step at a time.

I would really love to thank one of my dearest and oldest friends, who is really more of a sister, Adrienne Goldey. It was her decision to become a nurse that, for the last few months, has had me again thinking of going into nursing. So Adrienne...THANK YOU!!!

Regardless if any of you believe I will follow through, I feel very happy and humbled by my epiphany and I plan to see this goal through.

For the love of...

Cooking. I love to cook. I like trying new recipes I find online and in books. There is something very gratifying about preparing a delicious meal (or dessert!) and enjoy the very tasty results with pride. Cooking makes me very happy and gives me something to do and look forward to. I haven't done any REAL cooking in quite some time for a variety of reasons, but I'm back baby!

As a finicky eater, a foodie if you will, with a few allergies and a distaste (ha!) for meat of all kinds I find it more inconvenient to eat out at restaurants and I refuse to eat fast food...unless it's Taco Del Mar...because they have fresh ingredients made in-house and almost everything can be made vegan. And their food is frickin' delicious.

Over the years I've learned to cook with fresh ingredients and substitute one thing I don't like or can't eat with something better or with less of a chance of making me sick. Food prices have risen but paychecks basically have remained the same, calling for us fresh-food snobs to rethink ingredients.

These days you can find high-quality frozen foods at stores like Trader Joe's and Metropolitan Market. Recently Tyrus made a dinner consisting of Trader Joe's frozen fried rice with veggies and pan-fried tofu. It's was VERY delicious, only cost about $4 and fed three very hungry people. Do I prefer fresh veggies and fried rice? Of course! But sometimes we have to make budget cuts. If you find great high-quality frozen foods that work for you, it's a great alternative!

Tonight I'll be preparing this recipe for dinner. I may even add vermicelli noodles for a more pho-like experience.

Bon appétit!

The Season of Giving

Good morning everyone and Merry Christmas! The time is nine o'clock Christmas morning and everyone I hope is in good cheer. It is the season of giving (and receiving) so we should be grateful for what we have and what we can give.

Christmas has become a month-long celebration with good intentions and whether or not you celebrate "the reason for the season", Christmas is also about giving to others. However commercialized the holiday has become, we all can still find it within ourselves to find meaning and make memories.

Whether you buy your gifts, make them, or your gifts come in the form of acts of kindness, it shouldn't matter. We all celebrate in different ways. We're all different and our traditions are different from one another. I have a different goal every year it seems. One year I'll make gifts. The next I'll give gifts of things I have and no longer need like books I think suit people. And another year I'll do the mall thing.To me it depends on my budget and creativity. But I have to say that the gifts I have made in the past seem to have been the most appreciated because they do take a lot of time and more money than you would think.

However you celebrate the holiday season (yes, there IS more than one holiday this time of year), do it with love and kindness. If you cannot go to a shelter or food bank to volunteer this time of year, make it a goal to do so in the new year. Open the door for someone. Or just give a kind smile.

Whatever you do, do it with love and be safe!

Happy Holidays!

'Tis The Season

No matter your political beliefs, we are all aware that the economy is still hitting people hard. The last few holiday seasons Tyrus and I have forgone getting each other gifts so that we were able to provide gifts for our loved ones. Things are still tight for us, as it is for so many, but we are better off now than we have been in recent years and will in fact be able to get each other Christmas gifts for the first time in 3 years. That being said we do feel blessed to be in a better position than before and will continue to work hard and save money for the spring quarter of school. We may not be where we want to be in life right now, but we really are feeling blessed to have a place to live, steady jobs, and each other.

In the spirit of the season we would like to give something back.

Pumpkin pie. The staple of holiday dinners (in my opinion :) ). I wait all year to eat pumpkin pie. Definitely a highlight for me!

The pie I made for Thanksgiving was an absolute hit with everyone and it went fast! So...I thought we should spread the joy:

We would like to offer a homemade pumpkin pie to someone or a family you know who is down on their luck and could use a bit of holiday cheer. We would like to give pies to people who don't have much money for their holiday dinner, are alone this season, or just need some cheer.

The pumpkin pie filling is homemade with canned pumpkin (NOT pumpkin pie mix), with nutmeg, cinnamon, cloves, and ginger. The crust is a dairy-free pre-made frozen pie crust made with organic and natural ingredients that is honestly the BEST pie crust I've ever had. It is moist and flavorful, not dry and tasteless. These pies taste so much better than any store bought pie I've had. You definitely cannot tell my pumpkin pie is dairy free. ALL INGREDIENTS ARE ORGANIC :)

Due to our budget we are only able to give away 10 pies as this time. The pies will be made the week of December 17 and will be frozen upon delivery/pick-up. Baking instructions will be included.

Please let us know by December 13th via phone, email, or Facebook if there is someone you would like to give a pumpkin pie to.

Happy Holidays!

Let's get serious about this creativity sh*t...

Last night I was looking through old photos of myself and some friends, circa 2003 or so. There are so many good memories in those photos and a million more laughs. I was 17/18 in many of these photos; young and carefree. Invincible.

I've been told before that I hold on to the past, but I don't think this rings true. I think that I don't have as much fun as I used to. I am not nearly as creative as I once was. I can't even tell you the last time I wrote a poem or a short story. Adulthood does that to you. We tend to forget about the things that really matter sometimes.

Obviously I have no one to blame for this but myself. I remember that the loss of creativity started soon after I started dating a real jerk of a guy when I was 19. It was a very unhealthy relationship and I felt like I really lost myself after that. I met my husband not long after that relationship ended. Tyrus is one of the most artistic people I know. We have painted and written songs together. We make a great team. 

And yet, I have never been as an artistic of a person  as I was ten years ago. This has always been in the back of my mind. It really bothers me. Creative/artistic people are very special and unique. I feel like it is a major part of my identity as a human being, which is perhaps why it hurts so much to not feel whole. I am surrounded by such creative people who have done so much with their talent. What have I been doing? I have no idea and this has to change.

Painting, writing, singing, drawing, crocheting, modge-podging, dancing, loving, CREATING. These things are now the most important aspects of my life behind my marriage and the people I hold dearest. I refuse to let negativity, depression, life, fear, doubt, judgment and criticism get in the way of me living my life to the fullest MY WAY. 

I am an individual. I am a creative individual. I am a talented, creative, intelligent, compassionate individual. Take it or leave it.

Crossroads

As a person who does my best to improve myself as a good human being, I often reflect on my life, where it's going, and what I think I can do to further improve it. I will always have a long way to go because perfection is not possible. I think of self-improvement as an ongoing project. It can entail a lot of work at times and there is no end in sight, but to me the process is a lot of fun. 

There are periods in my life where I feel stuck. Bored. Antsy, if you will. When I sense this feeling of unease approaching I think about why it is I'm feeling this way. What's causing this caged consciousness? What can I do to improve it? What positive aspects can I bring to this roller coaster of life? 

At this point I feel like there are numerous roads my life can take. This road could take me here. But THIS road could take me HERE. Then again, Road #3 could take me here. One of my biggest fears is picking a direction to go and it doesn't work out. It doesn't go the way it should have and it all blows up in my face. This is something that has stopped me from going anywhere at all. The result: Stuck. This is my own fault, I know. I am learning slowly but surely that I am the only person holding myself back.

So Readers, how do I know which path, road, direction, what-have-you to take? Is it all chance? Russian Roulette? Do I choose the easiest choice? The most direct? The most challenging? What about the riskiest? HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW?!  If any of you have the secret, please let me in on it...Please?

How can I conquer this fear of failure? I suppose the easy answer is to just throw caution to the wind and go for it. But what if this...what if that...? What if...

The Struggle for Contentment

The weeks between my last post and this one haven't been anything to report about. I have been struggling with many things that have decreased my creativity. Money, work, envy of those with children (or those expecting), fatigue and pain. These are the main depressants on any given day. 

Although I feel that I am fairly in-tune with my mind, body, and soul I sometimes end up lost in the deepest of my thoughts and fears. These are the times I become agitated and reclusive. Moody and closed off. I search for answers or tools to recover the joyful and care-free me. This of course only works when I actually realize that I am lost again. I don't know how it happens or why. Sometimes I find being anything but serious is exhausting, even though being serious is exhausting as well. This is the struggle of someone who carries the weight of the world on their shoulders. I can't help but be passionate about the issues or things I care about even though I know eventually the passion will take it's toll and I will be lost.

I am not sure how I find my way out again, time after time. Perhaps I just grow tired of being reclusive. Being an introvert gives one a lot of time to think about this and that. Maybe I become tired of thinking all the time. Whatever it is, and no matter how lost I feel, I never feel unhappy, even if I say I am. I think the emotion I am feeling then is scared, but being me I don't like to admit I'm ever scared or that I am unsure if I can't be strong....if that makes any sense at all. I think this is why I don't process tramatic events. I just ignore them. That is a coping mechanism that I remember first doing when I was at my great-grandparents' house, my great-grandpa had just passed away in their bedroom from a bad battle with cancer. I was holding my great-grandmother as she cried. I did not cry then because I was afraid of not being strong for her. I think I was 10 or 11 years old at the time.These changes just seem like phases, or another chapter. 

Working through my fears and learning to articulate my feelings instead of closing up is something I have to keep working on. I have a fear of not being strong for others, or maybe for myself.

But...

One thing I am most surprised about is the decrease in my coffee consumption. Strange, I know. I haven't had a taste for it lately and when I try to drink it, the coffee just makes me feel blah. Teas have been my new obsession. Namely loose leaf teas. I enjoy the ritual of scooping my gorgeous tea into a tea ball and letting it marinate in hot water. As I am typing this I'm enjoying a cup of chamomile lemongrass tea from Mad Hat Tea Co. I think it's the best chamomile I've ever had!

The lack of aggressive caffeine intake has increased my mood positively and (as hippy-ish as it may sound) makes me feel more connected to myself and the earth. Our planet provides us with so much goodness and it makes me happy. I did learn the hard way that even though my jasmine green tea only has about 20mg of caffeine per cup, drinking two cups in the evening WILL keep me up until 3am. I'll have to be mindful of what teas I drink in the evening :D

Today was a very long day off. I had a hard time getting motivated but once I got going I was gone. I cleaned a lot more than I originally planned to, which is great. But it took more probably three times longer than it would have taken someone with a whole bunch of spoons (Google Christine Miserandino's Spoon Theory). I do happen to find this extremely frustrating at times but I have to find The Silver Lining. I must redefine accomplishments for myself and be proud of mine no matter how small. It took me all day, but I cleaned my apartment. I scrubbed cabinets, wiped down the fridge and oven, clean the bathroom, killed mold, did laundry and actually PUT IT AWAY (this is not something I'm known for doing), and made the bed. This is a lot for someone who started out the day with maybe 1 spoon. I'm proud of what I accomplished today. 

This post seems bi-polar. It is about two separate things, but they are somehow related. It has been many weeks since I posted anything, so I suppose I had to open the flood gates.

 I'm always healing and growing.

Quiet on the Outside

I've been feeling very introverted lately, so I apologize for the lack of blog posts as of late. Those of you who know me well know that I take life more seriously than I should, especially for a person my age. I've always been this way and it's probably a trait that will stick with me.

During these times deep thought I tend to think about the world. I reflect on current events and where the future may lead us. I worry that the economy will never improve, and that the country will never be as care-free as I remember it being before September 11, 2001. We have been in a 10-year grieving process.

Our soldiers have been a major topic in my mind lately. The recent movie I just watched, "Brothers", has only strengthened my respect for our soldiers. I can't help but think about how true to life that movie is. The events that occurred in the movie DO happen. We don't hear about them, which I'm not even sure if we should, but they are real.

My dad was a Vietnam veteran. He didn't talk about his experience much, which is understandable. I didn't ask a lot of questions, but sometimes I wish I had...but was it any of my business? He was basically just a kid when he went to war. I will never know what he saw or what he did, but I do know that chapter of his life affected him negatively for the rest of his life. In fact, his time in Vietnam is partially responsible for his death just two and a half years ago.

These have been very scary times in America, and the world for that matter. For the last ten years I haven't watched a plane fly overhead without getting nervous, especially when they are flying low as they so often do (living so close to a military base has it's disadvantages). Public transportation makes me uneasy. Large gatherings make me feel panicky. Unattended bags make me fearful.

Even with all this fear that we live with everyday, I still feel safe. There are heroes protecting us, doing their best to keep us safe.

I feel so terribly sad knowing of all those who have lost their lives to protect us. I feel so sad for the innocent people in the countries we have been at war with that have lost their lives as well.

I know that this country will never be the same again. We are damaged and struggling for air. We cannot afford to live. But we will survive.

These are the types of things I think about when I'm so quiet. Not all the time, but a good portion. I'm a lot like my dad in that I'm an observer. A listener. I take what I see and hear and I process it. I formulate ideas and opinions, and you may never hear them.

I have learned to love this about myself.

Introverts are an interesting people. I'm happy to be one of them.

Sentimental

For just over 19 years I have had the greatest little sister. She is everything I have ever wanted to be and has (directly/indirectly) taught me a lot about myself and life. She is someone who listens when I cry; who laughs when I demand attention.

Being eight years older, I was already out of the house by the time she was 10 years old. I pretty much missed her teenage years, which (depending how you look at it) can be a good or bad thing :D As I've grown older I've tried to set a good example for her, as I'm sure I failed miserably at that when I was 18-21. I've given her sound advice about serious issues and hopefully I've taught her a thing or two.

We certainly have been through a lot together. Lots of laughter and tears. Happiness and pain. Love and loss. I never felt that we were particularly close, as some sisters are, but I think a lot of it has to do with the age difference. Like I said, I was already gone before she was even in 6th grade. Though as we've both grown older, we've become as close as I wish we had always been. And so...

When life hands you lemons you make lemonade:

My little sister is moving to Aberdeen.

Okay, so it's not a million miles away. Only about an hour. But still, we've never lived more than 20 minutes away from each other. And that's fact.

I feel like I won't get to see her very often. I'm afraid we will grow apart. I'm afraid I won't be able to help her if/when she needs me. Am I worrying too much? Of course I am. That's what I do. I'm the worrier. She manages to find her pants (she knows what I mean <3) without me.

I have always told myself to keep in touch with people and never take anyone for granted. This is something that I have recently started to get serious about. It is always an on-going process for me because I often become lost in my own little world and serious thought. I am one of the most serious people I know and often that gets the best of me. Sometimes I have forgotten my own rule and it's bitten me in the behind. I cannot let this happen again.

Keep in touch with the outside world and everyone in it.

I'm really going to miss her. I know we'll be talking all the time through various technological outlets, but she will still be an hour away.

"Someone needs a huuug!"

Here's to you, Loolee: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vzo0iHrivVQ



I love you!

The World on Her Shoulders

I am happier these days. I have become less cynical, more open with strangers, and generally more happy. I try my best not to let others get under my skin. I am more apt to give people the benefit of the doubt. I find myself assuming less that a person wants something for nothing. I do not know if anyone can see these changes in me on the outside, but I definitely feel them inside.

I am not always so carefree. I am a serious person; always have been. I tend to carry the world on my shoulders, my heart on my sleeve. I am emotional (not always such the negative cliché it is made out to be) and passionate. Sometimes I'm selfish. Sometimes...batty (a little nod to my dad there <3 ). But for the most part, I am learning to be happy and lighthearted.

Sometimes I have to fake it. I'm in customer service and though the majority of our customers are friendly and personable, we still get the crazies and the complainers. I have learned it is crucial at this point to fake the smile and pretend anything they throw at you is no skin off your...nose. BUT, and this is a big but :), forcing myself to be kind to those who are not kind to me (or even  making it a point to be in jovial spirit because who wants to be grumpy all the time) has made me a happier person.

I am not so easily bothered by a person's negative words or actions. I try to give them the benefit of the doubt. Maybe they are/were having a bad day. Maybe they are dealing with a very sick relative. Maybe they hate their job. Generally, people are not rude for no reason. There are those that are just unhappy for whatever reason(s) and want everyone else to be miserable, too. It is important to learn, though, that most people are not set out to ruin your day or your life.

It's nice to be friendly, even to strangers. Smiling at someone as you walk by might brighten their day. Giving them a compliment could be just the uplift they needed. You may never know what a person is going through and why they appear so glum. If someone seems out of sorts, just flash a smile. Who would be off-put by a smile?

Weight and See

I'm going to estimate that about 90% of Americans' New Year's resolutions have something to do with exercising or losing weight. Why not? - It's a new year and a new you, right? Every year I tell myself I need to shape up and get going again. I prefer long, vigorous walks outdoors as opposed to walking around a boring track indoors. I usually do pretty well until about June when the weather starts to get warmer. Neither Emma or I do very well in the heat.  When I'm already hot why would I want to do something that will increase my core temperature? So the rest of the summer consists of night walks, which I enjoy (again if it's not too hot). But as the summer lingers my zest for outdoor fitness fades.

At that point I'm ready for autumn and the change of colors. Autumn walks are the best, in my opinion. The air is fresh and crisp from the night's rainfall. The leaves are bright and starting to fall. I like to hear the crunch of leaves under my walking shoes. The environment is starting to go into hibernation for the next six months. I will be the first to admit, though, that autumn in the Pacific Northwest doesn't always allow for many sunny days. But as long as the rain is not in a torrential downpour, Emma and I will be out and about enjoying a walk around our neighborhood. The variety of beautiful, old houses is a sight to see. I find myself imagining what it would be like to live in them. I suppose this is my way of taking my mind off of the pain I'm feeling walking up one of the North End's massive hills!

This year I am more determined than ever to reach my fitness goals. It's not about weight for me. Honestly. I just want to love the way I look and feel awesome inside and out. It's been too long since I've felt like that! Exercise can also help with depression and I've found that exercising helps decrease my fibromyalgia symptoms - well once I get used to exercising again, that is. A few years ago we had a membership at the YMCA. I'd like to do that again this year. I've always enjoyed weight training. The burning of muscles. Now that's success! It's easy to overdo it though, so I'll have to remember to be careful. Light weights, multiple reps. And during the hot summer months I find I can still be active by utilizing their very nice A/C and boring-but-better-than-sweating-to-death indoor track.

Yes, this year WILL be the year I get back into shape! There is no excuse. I'm almost 30 and my metabolism is not getting any faster! And now that I have shared my fitness goals with all of you in cyberspace I cannot fail!

New Year's Solutions

I've always had the understanding that most people have themselves figured out. They know who they are, they know what they want from life and they know how to get it. Sometimes I feel like I missed the convention on "How to Get Through Life Happily and in One Piece". The longer I work in customer service, though, the more I start to think I'm not the only one.

Even in a short 27 years, life has taught me valuable lessons about myself and others. Your family, knowingly or not, helps shape who you will become...for better or worse. Friends teach you to love yourself. Strangers have the ability to show you how to act in public, and in some cases how NOT to act. Environmental factors such as home life, school, extracurricular activities, etc. also have a hand in helping you become you. It stupefies me to think of how many things, how many people factor in on the equation that equals me.

We all have things we don't like about ourselves. I'm not just talking appearances here. What I'm referring to is personality and self-esteem. For instance, I know that I can be...let's just say "bossy". I don't think I'm Queen of the World or anything. I just know that...sometimes...I can be a bit...bossy. My guess as to why I have this character trait is my fear of not being in control. I would also say that I'm at times moody. There are many factors that play into this trait: #1: I don't deal with stress well...sometimes at all, #2: Fear of failing, #3: Hunger, #4: I'm tired, and #5: I'm a Scorpio who happens to be of Irish ancestry. Okay, so the first two are obviously serious, but if you know me at all you know that all five play a part. I'm also stubborn, but that bothers you more than it bothers me ;)

The two aforementioned traits are things about myself I am willing to change because it will make me a happier person. I must learn to let others have control sometimes and I must learn to talk about my feelings instead of burying them. This is one of my New Year's "Solutions" (Solutions to a happy life). It will probably take longer than I anticipate. No one is perfect.

I feel though that this is my life. No matter the past, I owe it to myself to break cycles and find happiness in whatever it is that I do. You can only live life for yourself.

"Set peace of mind as your highest goal, and organize your life around it." - Brian Tracy